Politics Week 4: What To Do with Negative Energy?

I came of age on a top-ranked college debate team. I ended my debate career winning a speaker award at the national tournament. I know how to argue. I used to do it for sport. I thought it was FUN to embarrass people intellectually. Sometimes, when people find this out, they will attempt to goad me into an argument. A particularly memorable time was at my sister's home. I was a guest, as was this other person, and he took a few moments to stand and insult me, truly out of nowhere. I remember taking a breath and in that breath, I made the decision that I wasn't biting. This guy was an idiot, and I could've leveled him in two sentences, but I stopped. I didn't always have this control. I'm embarrassed by that. But in this particular incidence (and most of the time these days), I made a good choice to bite my tongue. In doing so, I absorbed his negative energy.

You see, at some point, it became obvious to me that not everything is worth arguing about. Most things, in fact, are not worth arguing about. It is also not important to defend myself, even in the face of insult. I prefer to think that the insulter has shown his idiocy, and rather than me looking bad, he's the one who looks bad. I may be kidding myself, but I'm OK with that, too. I live with the fear, daily, that something I say to someone may be the last thing they ever hear. And how awful if it's something mean!

By and large, people are terrible arguers. Arguments are riddled with claims without warrants for those claims. People who get really into an argument will literally switch positions - and not in a progressive "I see things differently, now" sort of way, but in an "I can tell I've lost that point but I care about beating you so much that I will go in the opposite direction - even if it is nonsensical to someone who can follow an argument" sort of way. It makes me crazy inside. That's when I start to feel the other person's negative energy.

Which is not to say I don't enjoy a good argument aimed at truth seeking. I have another friend who I argue with a lot, and over the years, he has convinced me of many things and I think I've convinced him of a few things as well. I would never want to stop arguing with him. The arguments can be so rich. I love seeing things in new light. These heated conversations are filled with positive energy.

I believe in the power of positive energy. I'm mindful of the footprint I leave, and for the many people in my life I disagree with, you will probably never know the control I am showing. Daily. This is possibly the worst thing about Facebook. People post things without fact checking. And sometimes, I want to say "no, no - this argument is wrong and here's why!", but then I think of the argument I will have fallen into, and what an unproductive waste of time it would be. But there is a part of me that wants to shout "NO, NO, NO". In not saying anything, I feel as if I literally trap that negative energy inside myself.

I have told myself for years that if I have the opportunity to absorb some of the negative energy in the world, I am making the world a better place to be. But sometimes, I ponder - what is happening when I absorb all this negative energy? Is it gone, or is it just getting stuck in me? How am I supposed to exorcise it from my very core, or do I just let it pile on, and on, and on? Will the weight of it literally break me, some day? Should I instead shout back just to get the negative energy away from me?

For now, know that I'm showing more control than you could ever know.

Elaine

Politics: Week 3 - Engines

My dad and I do not agree on a lot of ground when it comes to politics, but I'll give the man props in one department. He insists on driving a car made in the USA. He believes in it, and he puts his money where his mouth is. My mom used to carpool kids to school in a green Chevy Nova that my family owned. We were stylin' in that sedan. A particularly memorable drive was when we hit ice on a downhill and did a neat trick of turning around before coming to a stop. It was the 1970s, folks. We didn't have any stinkin' seat belts, and if we did, the pile of kids in the backseat certainly wasn't aware of them. Fun times, fun times. That Nova - and its leaded gas engine - was retired many, many years ago (early 1980s, perhaps)? It was replaced with another car made in the USA, though I can't recall what.

By the time I owned a car, society had figured out that unleaded gas was preferable - even though leaded gas was a convenient way to keep the engine from knocking. I purchased a Nissan Sentra that used unleaded gas. I loved that car, but it was regularly breaking down by the time I finished college. My dad strongly advised my sister and I against taking it across the country to grad school. He equally strongly advised I exchange it for a Ford Escort. I am unwilling to admit that either of these pieces of advice was good. I can assure you, the Ford Escort is a piece of junk. That car was so uncomfortable, my sister and I still have back pains when we think about that trip - and we took that trip almost 20 years ago. My mother-in-law once got in the backseat of that car on our way to New York City and commented how nice the car was. Clearly, she was trying to be nice herself. Ed and I immediately started apologizing, telling her she wouldn't be saying that for long. And she wasn't.

The Ford Escort was replaced by a Nissan Altima in 2001. That Nissan Altima was my all-out dream car - which is a comment on how bad the cars I normally drive are. Ed and I purchased it, used, right after we got married. Although we were sad about having to buy a car, we were both thrilled to get rid of the Escort.

I have never owned a new car. So when I got an offer through TheDCMoms to drive a Chevy for a week, I couldn't respond "yes" fast enough. I scored a Chevy Cruze - which I've already driven in Dupont and Old Town. The Chevy Cruze has the same engine as the Volt, which I would love to own. PLUG-IN CAR, PEOPLE. How awesome is that? In my lifetime, we've gone from engines that turn lead into a breathable substance to electric engines. The Chevy Cruze reportedly gets 42 miles a gallon on the highway. More importantly, I've noticed already that the Chevy Cruze is roomy. It's roomy enough that I expect I could be in the car for several hours before one of my children complained about being too close to the other one. We tested the trunk tonight to see whether it could handle our usual load of stuff and indeed, it can! There is enough room in the backseat to easily fit projects for Helen and Connor to pass time with - and nobody is sitting with their knees propped on a suitcase. This is huge progress for us.

There's so much room in that trunk, I could fit a kid in there if need be. But hopefully that won't be necessary.

I can also fit several gifts in the backseat, which I'll be giving out as I cruise around as part of GM's Random Acts of Kindness Campaign. I'm looking forward to bringing a little surprise to people I meet over the next week, before I am asked to give up my keys.

The loaner car is sponsored by the GM Northeast Team. This might be the best car I have ever driven.

Thank you, GM Northeast Team!

Elaine

Disclosure: I have the car for a week and in exchange, I'm giving out random care packages to people I meet. Next up: how much stuff can we fit in the backseat?

Politics: Spend Your Money Where it Counts

In my more cynical moments, I tell people it doesn't matter who you vote for, it matters where you spend your money. I'm proud to say I don't shop at Walmart or Costco, although this is not only about the stores themselves, but also about not knowing where the former is and being intimidated by the parking lot at the other. I buy a good bit of my produce from local farms, and I'm working hard on being organic - particularly when it comes to dairy. The dairy case won because I went to a couple of talks sponsored by Stonyfield and I started panicking.

Connor's Dyna-Math homework (a Scholastic product) is typically structured so he reads a short story and then answers math related questions about that story. In this week's edition, there is a story about one of those programs where you can purchase a goat for a community. Connor was intrigued by this idea, seeming to dig the practicality of it all. Needless to say, someone on our Christmas list will be getting a gift from Heifer International this year. Goat, anyone?

I have another friend who encourages me to buy Punjammis every year. If I wore something other than an old t-shirt to bed, I'd probably take her advice. It's a great example of spending money on something that's easy to believe in. My friend loves hers - so it seems to be a win-win.

This morning, an email about "Maiden Nation" landed in my inbox. A friend has visited Haiti and vouches for the importance of this effort in creating a sustainable income for women in Haiti. The featured product right now is a Kiss Kiss bracelet made with paper beads by women in the Hands Together Cooperative in Haiti. I'm thinking the adjustable nature of the bracelets may mean that I could actually have a bracelet that fit - a rare thing on my freakishly small wrists. Anyone want one of these for Christmas this year?

Of course, probably the reason I'm busy thinking about politically minded spending right now is to purge the guilty feeling that comes along with a recent grandparent sponsored trip to the American Girl doll store and the Lego store at a nearby mall. Oh boy, do my kids love that stuff!

Elaine

Politics - Not Neutral in My House

I know many people take pride in raising kids in a politically neutral home. I'm not one of them. I'm all about discussing the existence of God (some people think yes, some people think no), whether one should be a vegetarian or eat meat (most people eat meat - even Daddy, but I don't feel good about it), and all sorts of other tricky social topics. I'm not so open about who I'm voting for. I'll admit to having more of a my way or the highway approach to this topic. I figure I was raised in a Republican household with little discussion of Democrats and I became a Democrat. If my kids want to be Republicans, they'll have to work for it, too.

This is the last election related conversation I can remember having with Connor.

Connor: Why do you dislike Romney so much?

Elaine: Because Romney thinks he gets to decide when I have babies.

Connor: But that really doesn't matter much for you, since you've already made your decision. You just care about it for other women.

Elaine: Yes, Connor. I care about it for Helen and every other woman. Also, I believe in equal pay. President Obama thinks that women who are equally qualified who do the same job, ought to get paid the same as men. Mitt Romney doesn't agree.

Connor: Yeah, that's really important.

.....

Ed, later: No need to mention to him that that's money right out of his own white, male pocket.

Elaine: Yes. He'll have to figure that part out on his own.

I voted weeks ago in early absentee.

Happy Thanksgiving: 2010

One nice thing about Thanksgiving is taking a moment to breathe in, look around, and give thanks. Here goes.

This year, I'm thankful for 5 year olds and good grooves, because for several months now, Ed and I have both been waiting for the other shoe to drop. Connor is just a happy kid. And he can (and does) dress himself (albeit mostly in sweat pants) most mornings and he even celebrated daylight savings recently by sleeping in until 8:00 the day before daylight savings started. It was awesome. Regularly, he hops up to his chair at breakfast, consumes a big meal, and then starts smiling and bubbling with excitement. It's contagious. Of course, there are still the occasional tired, very emotional days, but those are few and far between. And hey, I have them, too.

I'm also thankful for Helen. She is truly a pain in the rear end many days, saying "no" before considering any other answer, jabbering away non-stop, and recently taking to waving her arms, clapping, and shouting "Hey, Elaine!" when she wants my attention. But she also brings joy with her almost everywhere she goes, and she continues to be the snuggliest child in the world. And that is such a gift.

I'm thankful for healthy children and a partner that celebrates them with me.

I'm thankful for sleep, when I get it, and am hopeful that these last few nights of sleep are going to turn into a string of many, many nights of sleep. It's not the kids waking me. I think it's just the memory of waking often several years ago and never quite being able to kick the habit.

I'm thankful for a Democratic Senate that will hopefully hold the line in this next Congress and that we're getting closer to universal health care (though I continue to hold out hope of single payer). I'm thankful for the midwives that assisted me during pregnancy and that caught Connor and Helen. I still wouldn't do it any other way and I look forward to my annual visits with them. I wish the healthcare legislation would've provided more protections for midwives.

I'm thankful for no longer having to carry diapers when I travel.

I'm thankful for new recipes, dinners that get eaten by everyone (which happens occasionally), and that our local grocery store has started stocking Chincoteague clams. Everyone in my family loves those delicious, salty morsels. The last time we had them, Helen had 23, Connor had 23, and Ed and I had 1 apiece. Two didn't open.

I'm thankful for grandparents that come on ski trips, come to visit, and always agree to take morning duty when they visit. I'm also thankful for grandparents that allow me to drop my kids off for a week - or at least I hope to be someday (hint, hint). I'm also thankful for grandmas that never stop reading books.

I'm thankful for full-length musicals and lots of great, local children's theatre. Even more, I'm thankful that Connor and Helen seem cut out for the role of theatre buddies for me. Hopefully they'll wheel me into the theatre when I'm drooling on myself in my old age so I can see just one more show.

I'm thankful the Chiefs are winning again. It's been a long time.

I'm thankful for date night, HR57, and the proliferation of cupcake stores and high-end chocolatiers in the greater DC area. I'm thankful for good open mic nights at Iota, old friends returning to the States, and being back at Miriam's Kitchen. It's been a long time. I didn't realize how much I missed it. And along those veins, I'm thankful for Kevin Crowe's lecture at the Foundry this year.

And finally, I'm thankful for friends and family that inspire me daily. I believe in the power of positive energy. Thank you for sharing yours so freely.

My budding feminist

My friend Ellen has pointed out that her daughter is a budding feminist theologian. I say, you practice what you preach - or in this case, are preached to. And as in her house, we're feminists. And Helen is no exception.

Friday, Helen and I attended our parent-child class. Every class ends with a puppet play performed by either the lead or assistant teacher. The same story is told for three weeks, and then a new story is told.

In case you wondered whether a 3 year old could pay attention to a puppet show, they can. The kids sit mesmerized by the action. Helen started class by requesting a puppet show from two weeks ago be repeated. I actually didn't even clue into what she was requesting (though the teacher did) until it came time for the puppet show and Helen made her request again.

She didn't get the one she wanted (the teacher is not a jukebox, after all), but she did listen intently as always. The story was a version of Strega Nona, and the last line was "and whoever wanted to return home, had to eat his way home" to which Helen shouted "HER!". Because in Helen's world, the gender neutral pronoun is "she" not "he" and she's not afraid to correct people.

That's my gal!

Elaine

September 11, 2001

On September 11, 2001, DC was blessed with beautiful, clear, blue skies. It was an unbelievably gorgeous day. I sat in my office like I did on almost every other regular work day that year, typing away at my computer.

Someone came down the hall and said the World Trade Center had been hit by an airplane. I called up Ed, who works very near the Capital, and told him to go home. He, naturally, thought I was crazy. You see, I am prone to over-reacting and the occasional doomsday thought, while Ed seems to be mostly impervious to all of the dangers that exist in our world. He's C.A.L.M. Partly, this is because he believes he can think his way out of any situation. Dead battery in the car? Ed will sit and ponder why the battery is dead, and begin thinking about what to do because he just cannot believe the battery is dead. Why is that battery dead? I, on the other hand, don't actually care why the battery is dead. We can deduce that in the 30 minutes it wil take for AAA to come to our rescue. Which is why assistance has been called by the time Ed has even begun to admit that yes, the battery is dead, and thinking about it WILL NOT HELP.

So there, Ed sat, and then the second plane hit the WTC. Now I told Ed he really needed to get out of Dodge. But he sat at his desk, continuing to not worry. Then the news went haywire. Nobody knew what was going on. There were reports of many major buildings in the DC area being hit or being targeted. It was impossible to get phone lines in or out. The roads were completely jammed. Some reports considered the DC subway system unsafe. I walked to my friend's house in Rosslyn, just over the bridge, and then she attempted to drive me and another coworker home, which ultimately took a LONG time. I would've been better off had I walked the whole 6 miles. Heck, George Bush didn't even seem to think anything important was going on as he sat and read a story to a grade school class, rather than leaving immediately and oh, I don't know, grounding all air traffic. FAST. Yes, eventually this happened, but those were important moments and he was supposed to be leading, not reading.

Government offices closed, Ed went home, I met him there. Then, we proceeded to do some minor home improvement projects (wiring more of the house for stereo sound) while we casually listened to news. By this time, it was fairly clear that no more attacks were coming. We answered the phone from concerned people. I called to tell my mom I was fine and she was totally annoyed at me because I interrupted some confusing computer training she was doing, and apparently many, many people had been interrupting her wondering if I was OK, and that led up to her being frustrated. Later, when she realized what was going on, I like to think she was glad I checked in.

That night, Ed and I went over to a friend's house. We had arranged to play cards a while ago, and we all decided that in the end, we were OK, and we'd enjoy the company. Ed and I went to retrieve his car by his office (which he had left parked because the streets were impassable - and took the subway that turned out to be perfectly fine, home) and this is when it really hit that life was going to be different. There were almost no cars on the road. Everyone was hunkered down. Ed had to show his Congressional ID every block, because if you didn't have a reason to be by the Capitol, you weren't allowed to be there.

We drove up to Bethesda on what would be a crowded street and saw only a handful of cars.

The next day, when I went to work, there were armed guards everywhere. This, if you have not experienced it, is very unnerving. I mean, I didn't feel all that unsafe when I started my commute, but seeing lots of people with guns made me feel very unsafe. Later, these guards were replaced with tanks, and then finally, a few buildings around me installed more permanent barriers that would prevent cars from getting too close to the buildings. Even though no cars were involved in the 9/11 attacks. But, whatever, I guess people always want to do something, even if it makes no sense.

Every year in September, I cringe when I look out and see those bright blue skies that tend to fill the month. They are such a big reminder of that day. It seems to me that every year prior to this one, the memorials and gatherings, and other remembrances have been everywhere. Everybody is talking about them, people are wondering what to do. Except this year. I really haven't heard much of anything. I have heard about a lot of festivals taking place - the Takoma Park Folk Festival, Adams Morgan Day, Kennedy Center Open House for kids, even a chocolate tasting at Biagio! But I haven't seen a lot of reminders about 2001.

I always wondered how long we'd be inundated with reminders about the date. In a way, I'm glad we're collectively moving on. Nine years ago, I really felt like my life was turned upside down. I really believed there was a chance my partner wouldn't live to see his eventual retirement from his government job. I put a pair of sneakers under my desk and discussed what escape routes from the city Ed and I would take. I rode my bike to work a lot more often. It's good to have normalcy restored. It makes life easier.

But it seems impossible to me that it takes just 9 years to push this event to the collective back burner.

Elaine

Big Parenting Decision #1

When a woman finds out she is pregnant with a boy (or, as in my case, chooses not to find out so must plan for the possibility of both a boy and a girl), among the first decisions she and her partner will need to make is whether or not they will have their infant circumcised.

Ed happens to be friends with a prominent member of one of the leading groups trying to end the practice of male circumcision. And, as part of his advocacy efforts, this friend sent Ed and I some "literature" on the subject. Ed and I talked about the issue quite a bit. In the end, I don't think either of us could imagine taking the effort of taking our baby to a hospital or pediatrician's office, or wherever one goes to have this done. So we didn't, figuring that if we had a son, he could make the decision for himself later on.

I have never regretted the choice we made, but I did feel fairly ostracized about it at one point.

I wrote about it over at DCMetroMoms a few days ago. Click on the link if you want to read more.

Elaine

Elaine

DCMM: Hey AAP: Ready to Reverse Course on Male Circumcision, Too?

I run in a pretty “crunchy” crowd. Or rather, I used to run in an ultra-crunchy crowd. You know - the kind that grows vegetables in the backyard, argues about the conservative media bias, and generally considers Birkenstocks to be perfectly acceptable for the office. I never seriously considered a hospital birth because I knew from the start I wanted my babies born at home if at all possible. But I knew when I was a new mom I needed to flap my social wings a bit. I found myself socializing with other mamas, if only for the reassurance that my son’s (remarkably poor) eating and (remarkably poor) sleeping was normal. (It was). Imagine my surprise, then, as I sat with a group of moms at a Friday jazz program at the National Gallery of Art when the conversation turned to circumcision.

One of the moms of a girl asked the group (which formed from a lunchtime gathering at the Breastfeeding Center of Greater Washington) about whether folks had their sons circumcised and at the point when I was about to say “of course not, I’m friends with the author of the MGM bill, and he has convinced me the procedure is unnecessary and potentially harmful”, I was interrupted and another woman answered (and I do not think I will ever forget this) “Of course I did! I don’t want my son to be a freak! I want girls to like him!”, and then the next woman spoke up about her son’s bris, and a third chimed in about how her son didn’t even blink during the procedure which clearly showed it wasn’t painful (though others would argue her son might have been in shock). At this point, I looked down at my glass of wine, blinked back a tear, and took it as one more sign that life as I knew it before a baby was gone. If I wanted to have some mommy friends, which I desperately did, I was going to have to take a step to the right and bite my tongue. Or at least bite my tongue.

I was reminded of this conversation a few weeks ago when the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) put out a position statement —which they subsequently reversed—regarding female circumcision, or female genital cutting (FGC). After a loud public outcry, the AAP has reaffirmed their opposition to all forms of FGC, noting that it is forbidden by federal law in the United States.

But I wonder, what will the AAP say in the revised policy on male circumcision that is due out later this year? Currently, the AAP’s policy indicates that circumcision is not essential to a child’s health and furthermore, scientific benefits of the procedure are not sufficient for the AAP to recommend that all infant boys be circumcised. Yet, at least in this country (though few other Western countries), circumcision remains the norm (though that majority is getting slim). Contrast this with Canada, where fewer than one-third of infant males are circumcised. And that’s true of many European countries as well.

How did I make the decision? I thought about a few things. My son could only reasonably expect to be able to reverse my decision to not circumcise. A choice to have him circumcised would be a lifelong one. My husband and I thought this decision ought to be his. As a mom that often looked like a deer in headlights, I often go back to the mantra “first, do no harm” – and this pointed me in the direction of not having him circumcised. I dismissed the argument that my son wouldn’t “match” his peers the same way my mom dismissed me when I used this logic as a girl “If Suzy jumped off a bridge would you follow her?”. But most of all, it just never made sense to me. The routine removal of a body part wasn’t something my husband or I could justify. And so we didn’t. I'm crossing my fingers that when the AAP's new policy statement on male circumcision comes out, they agree with me.



This is an original DCMetroMoms post. Elaine writes about less controversial topics at Connor and Helen!


These were the original comments on the post:

Jessica C./Claire Jess said...
This mama of an intact boy says thanks for writing!

Reply June 14, 2010 at 05:44 AM Tiffany said...
Oh, I know that feeling. Making non-mainstream decisions regarding your children puts you in a veeerrryyy awkward position in mommy groups. Comments like the ones you heard make me cringe as well. It saddens me that the choice to remove a normal healthy body part is based on the desire to look good for the girls.....Gah!

Reply June 14, 2010 at 05:57 AM ElaineMM said in reply to Tiffany...
How girls may or may not perceive my son is not - and hopefully never will be - grounds for a decision like this.

Reply June 14, 2010 at 07:02 AM Rebecca said...
Great post. I am a mom four uncircumsised boys. I'd like to think the woman they pick to marry would look past that part of them to the men they will be. (In answer to your friend's reasoning.)

Reply June 14, 2010 at 06:26 AM ElaineMM said in reply to Rebecca...
Me too. In all the conversations I had about this, how a woman would perceive my son never came up.

Reply June 14, 2010 at 07:01 AM Marilyn Milos, RN said in reply to Rebecca...
Any woman who understands the importance of the foreskin and recognizes how much better sex is with an intact man will thank their mother-in-law for protecting her son! My grandson and his wife have both thanked me!

Reply June 16, 2010 at 10:47 AM Robin (noteverstill) said...
We're Jewish and religious(ish) and my son had a bris. We never considered otherwise - I just can't turn my back on a multi-thousand year tradition and what we are taught is God's commandment. I wonder, though, if I wasn't Jewish... I think I probably would be against it for many of the reasons you describe. My first two kids were girls and I never had to think about this. With #3 it was only a philosophical discussion because we do feel religiously obligated, but it was an interesting philosophical discussion to pursue. I so understand about biting my tongue re: parenting opinions. I hope those of us who circumcise for religious reasons, at least, don't make you uncomfortable with our decisions. I think the most important thing is that you're putting so much thought into how you'll care for your son - that's what will make him turn out right.

Reply June 14, 2010 at 06:31 AM ElaineMM said in reply to Robin (noteverstill)...
Because I'm not Jewish, I never had to think about it, so it's hard for me to truly be in your shoes. I do, however, appreciate that thoughtful parenting will go a long way. And yes, biting tongues. Always biting tongues in new crowds.

Reply June 14, 2010 at 07:00 AM Marilyn Milos, RN said in reply to Robin (noteverstill)...
I suggest you read Marked in Your Flesh: Circumcision from Ancient Judea to Modern America, by Professor Emeritus Leonard Glick, MD, PhD, in which he discusses how circumcision was inserted into the Bible in Genesis 17 by the priests (P text)about a thousand years after Abraham allegedly lived. The original covenant was Genesis 15, which said nothing about circumcision. Many Jews today are now welcoming their babies with a bris shalom, a celebration of peace, a naming ceremony, without the cut. It's not being circumcision, but being born of a Jewish mother that makes one a Jew.

Reply June 16, 2010 at 11:01 AM Marilyn Milos, RN said in reply to Marilyn Milos, RN...
Oops, that should be been "It's not being circumcised but being born of a Jewish mother that makes one a Jew."

Reply June 16, 2010 at 11:02 AM Kiki La Roo said...
Good for you, from a mama of an intact boy.

The "I want girls to like him" excuse kills me. My daughter has seen her brother's parts many a time...it will be normal to her, when the time comes.

It's the penis owner's choice in my book. The end.

Reply June 14, 2010 at 06:41 AM ElaineMM said in reply to Kiki La Roo...
This is the reason that kills me most as well. Seriously? I like to think I would not have cared about this, even as a 20-something. GAH!

Reply June 14, 2010 at 06:59 AM Vickie said...
Hmm. I have no memory of this conversation, but I can sympathize with the tongue-biting.

T's circumcised. We never thought he wouldn't be, because where we come from, ALL boys are circumcised (or at least, all catholic/christian boys are; am not sure about the Muslim population). In his dad's time, it's a rite of passage, typically done before setting foot in high school. Most families nowadays have it done soon after their boys are born, though.

We always thought we'd be headed back home within a few years, so it made sense to me that T ought to resemble what I thought would be his peer group. I don't think anyone thinks twice about this back home. I've also never heard any stories of circumcisions gone wrong back home. I did read that book about twin boys in the midwest where one was mutilated during his procedure and his parents decided to raise him as a girl with horrible consequences.

Reply June 14, 2010 at 10:28 AM ElaineMM said in reply to Vickie...
You read the most interesting books, Vickie! I can tell you more details about the conversation. I remember a lot. But I do not remember you being there, so possibly you weren't. It really bummed me out at the time, and I didn't have the confidence to engage anyone in a debate about it, so I just sat there quiet and stunned. Now, I wish I had challenged the person in question a bit.

That's interesting that the procedure used to be rite of passage that took place at a time when a boy could understand what was happening. I wonder what motivated the change to it being an infant procedure.

Reply June 14, 2010 at 02:25 PM Vickie said in reply to ElaineMM...
Haha! The book was nonfiction (and I am too lazy to google it now) but I remember the impression it made on me--back in the 60s when the mutilation happened the thinking among psychologists that gender identity is tied to genitals. But the boy who was forced to become a girl grew up unhappy and aggressive and not comfortable in his own skin until he found out the truth. As an adult he decided to be who he really was (a man), got reconstructive surgery, etc. and last I heard had a family.

Quite possibly I wasn't there--I don't remember making NGA Jazz until T was older, and never with a big group.

In the less urban areas back home, I think this is still a cusp-of-teenage years ritual for many boys. (Who don't even go to a doctor for this--sometimes it's a barber, sometimes a faith healer.)

I think as people become more affluent, they make the decision to have it done early to spare their sons the spectacle of spending the days after the procedure wearing their sisters'/mothers' slips or skirts. And they may rationalize it by saying that the baby won't remember the pain.

For us it was also an insurance decision! Circumcision is covered completely when performed within a certain number of days following birth, but my brother-in-law found out the hard way that if you wait till your boys are teens or tweens AND you live in the US, it costs minimum $700 per kid.

Reply June 14, 2010 at 08:00 PM Deni said...
This is a personal choice and we all need to allow it to stay out of the list of things we judge! I am the sister of 6 brothers (dad and brothers not circumcised) mother of 6 (4 boys all circumcised) our decision was because we had seen a friends boy that had to have it done at 4yrs old for medical reasons and thought better to prevent with it done early. We realize that it is the exception to have issues either way and left the decision for our 4 grandchildren to their parents without judgment!

We are all free to be individuals so just base your decision on who you are not what others think!

Reply June 14, 2010 at 10:57 AM ElaineMM said in reply to Deni...
That's true often, right? We ought to base our decisions on who we are, not what others think. Now that's a lesson I'd like to figure out how to pass on successfully. Could apply in a lot of contexts.

Reply June 14, 2010 at 02:26 PM Marilyn Milos, RN said in reply to Deni...
Now we're beginning to understand circumcision as a human rights issue, so we've begun to recognize that it is not our right but a choice that actually belongs to the person who will live with the loss and consequences of a decision made by someone else.

Initially, we didn't understand how the pain, trauma, or harms of circumcision affected our sons but, during the past 30 years, thousands upon thousands of men have voiced their complaints. They describe their scars, skin bridges, missing pieces, the problem of premature ejaculation in the early sexually active years, and the problem of sexual dysfunction leading to impotence later. Form cannot be altered without altering function. Circumcision disturbs the normal sex life of both the male and his sexual partner.

Believe me, I am not sitting in judgment, I have three circumcised sons. But, after witnessing a circumcision when my sons were 10, 17, and 20, during which the baby screamed horrifically and the doctor looked into my tear-streaked face and said, "There is no medical reason for doing this," I devoted my life to bringing an end to non-therapeutic genital cutting of non-consenting minors, whether they are boys, girls, or intersex children.

Now, I have four intact grandsons, so we learn.
Reply June 16, 2010 at 11:19 AM ohslowburn said...
Thanks for this - I wasn't aware the AAP had reversed it's recommendation, something I care and blogged about (whole other subject!).

As for the male circumcision thing, I take comfort in something my husband said when we decided not to have our boys clipped - "honey, no one will say a thing, it's really not like men walk around looking too closely at one another's shlongs." Okay then. :P

Furthermore, if he really really wants to "be like the others" he can choose to do it later in life. I imagine it's an ordeal, but at least he'll have a choice and will go into it with his eyes open.

Reply June 14, 2010 at 11:07 AM ElaineMM said in reply to ohslowburn...
Wow! Those are some powerful posts. A friend and I went down this same debate road right after the policy came out. It is all about protecting young people, in the end. And wouldn't life be easier if we knew exactly how we could do this best? Thanks for writing! You've given me more to think about.

Reply June 14, 2010 at 02:32 PM Jenni said...
Mom to two intact boys. We never even considered it. We just felt like the foreskin is there for a reason and we did not feel comfortable with the procedure.

You know, I heard that the AAP is actually going to alter their recommendation to the "for circumcision" category as some studies show it may reduce the spread of AIDS. I can't help but think that teaching our sons to practice safe sex would go a lot further with regards to AIDS prevention.

Reply June 14, 2010 at 11:32 AM ElaineMM said in reply to Jenni...
I know about the study that made a big splash in Africa about AIDS prevention. Two subsequent studies had the opposite findings, and of course, you point out that there are more direct ways in the US we can think about AIDS prevention. I'm definitely curious about what the AAP is going to say.

Reply June 14, 2010 at 02:19 PM Marilyn Milos, RN said in reply to Jenni...
You're absolutely correct that safe sex practices would go a lot further to protect against AIDS. In fact, the spread of AIDS has been curbed in Thailand, Senegal, and Eastern Uganda because those governments took a strong leadership role, educating about the dangers of HIV/AIDS, with a new campaign of "100% condom use 100% of the time!" Then, they distributed free condoms.

The African studies, done by researchers who were promoting circumcision for other reasons before they used AIDS as the excuse, are suspect!

The horror is the vast numbers of men who are being circumcised in Africa now because they've bought into the hype. Our NOCIRC of Kenya director, Prince Hillary Maloba, reports that Kenyans who have been circumcised to prevent AIDS are wondering now why they've acquired it, even though they were circumcised. How many more will be harmed, have their sex lives diminished, or die because of this misuse of funds. In addition, those men who think circumcision will protect them may very well be even more promiscuous because they're circumcised, believing they're protected.

Education, not amputation!

Reply June 16, 2010 at 11:26 AM Jenni said...
Glad to hear they retracted that bogus position on FGC, though. Ridiculous.

Reply June 14, 2010 at 11:34 AM Ladybug Crossing said...
My husband and his brother both had to have circumcisions at the age of for medical reasons. Trust me, it was not pleasant for either of them. When our son came along, both my husband and my BIL were adamant that our #1 get circumcised as an infant. I absolutely agreed. Genetics were not in our favor for leaving things alone.
Do I care if you circumcise your boy? No. Will I tell you what happened to my Mr. and his brother? Sure I will. But, when it comes right down to it, the choice is yours.
LBC

You, and me, and the environment

My kids and I are killing the Earth. Seriously. And if you are a parent, I bet you do many of the same things. I about cry when I think about it sometimes.

I wrote about how Connor started my War on the Environment.

And then when Helen was born, I doubled down.

And here are my thoughts on all the little things I do, and I wonder some days whether it is even worth it!

But I promise environment, once my life is back to just me and Ed living in the same house, I will make it up to you. If you're still around, that is.

Elaine

DCMM: Declaring War on the Earth: Part 2, The Big Move

As noted in the first post in this series, having children was akin to declaring war on the environment in my house. And adding a second child threw my somewhat simple life out of balance even more than the birth of the first. My hairdresser quipped while I was in her care one time that the second child can’t be as big a deal as the first. After all, you only lose your freedom once. But oh, how I beg to differ with her now. My second child has freed me to become an environmental disaster. And here’s why.

Up until my daughter was born, I lived in a 962 square foot house with my husband and then later, our son. It was a rambler with three bedrooms upstairs and another tucked away in the finished basement. The kitchen in that old house was what our realtor once termed a “one-butt kitchen”, for it was nearly impossible for more than one person to be in it at a time. Heck, we couldn’t even open the refrigerator and dishwasher at the same time, and it was impossible to get to our basement when the oven door was open. Problems abounded, but we made it work. It wasn’t that hard when there were only two adults in the house, and adding one child didn’t upset the balance that much.

And then came my daughter, and with her, the decision to get an au pair. Now all three bedrooms upstairs had a resident—my husband and I in one, my son in one, and my daughter in the third (because the thought of my daughter potentially waking my son—who has not always been the best of sleepers—at night was more than I could bear), the downstairs bedroom went to the au pair, and eventually, as we sat surrounded in baby and now toddler items, we decided to move. Now we live in a house that an energy auditor recently calculated has 3400 square foot of space. Our au pair has a great mini-apartment in our home, I rarely trip over toys because everything has a designated space, I can work from home whenever I want (that 5th bedroom is my office / guest room), the kids can actually join me in the kitchen cooking on their wooden stove while I prep dinner on my stove, and a sixth bedroom serves as a craft room (which I realize is not essential, but it does mean that I NEVER see craft detritus scattered throughout the house or worry about paint getting on someone’s bedroom walls…I love it).

Along the way, my son started attending pre-school five mornings each week, which prompted the purchase of a second car that my au pair uses to ferry my daughter about town and to pick-up my son from pre-school on days she’s with the kids. My husband takes the other car into work most days as he drops our son off on his way.

It’s a convenient life, for sure, designed to pack in as much time to just hang out together rather than being stressed out over misplaced items or extending anyone's individual commute. For possibly the first time in my life, everything around me feels organized, and it really puts me in a good frame of mind. But dear Mother Earth, forgive me my carbon footprint.

I love my house. I could get by with a smaller one, but it would mean I’d give up some of the spaces that have ultimately alleviated stress. I do, however, dream of being so efficient some day that I can live like Gary Chang! But don’t think I’ve totally thrown in the towel on this one even now. I know there’s lots more I can do. Next up: Declaring War on the Earth: Part 3, Should We Sweat the Small Stuff? And let’s talk about how we can minimize our footprint! (And no, solutions do not include getting rid of my daughter, because for as much carbon as I have used in her name, she brings more joy to this Earth than anyone who hasn't met her could possibly imagine.)

When Elaine is not pondering how she can reduce her carbon footprint, she records her children's lives at Connor and Helen!

First Protest

As residents of the DC metro area, it is almost incumbent upon Ed and me to teach our children how to protest. We're more arm chair protesters, as my friend Martin calls those who send checks to various causes, but rarely get out and shout. But, nonetheless, when something important happens, we at least think about rallying. And on occasion, we actually do rally. And really, we have little excuse not to attend political events because they are usually less than 15 minutes away from where we live.

As is true of most localities - the Arlington County budget is a mess. It's such a mess, that they are considering several budget cutting measures that those on the "mom boards" consider draconian. I'm not sure I would go that far, but I am sad that a nature center near our home is threatened with closure.

So a couple of weeks ago, we packed up the kids and our au pair and visited Long Branch Nature Center. Helen and Connor were happy to wear their 'tickers in support of the Center (and seriously, people, could I get a child with a leading "s" sound, please?). We walked around, we enjoyed the blacksmith demonstration, Connor and Ed wandered off for over 30 minutes leaving Helen, Kathy, and me to freeze as we walked around waiting for them. To be fair, Connor had told us at the outset he was going to walk to the edge of the forest, and I believe he nearly met his goal.

Here are the commemorative photos of Helen's first protest. She decided not to chain herself to a tree or anything radical like that, but that doesn't mean the budget folks should think taking this Center away is going to be easy. You never know when we'll have a nice day and the kids will be inspired to build a tree house on the property and refuse to come down until their demands to open the center are met. But who would plant such an idea?

Elaine

The Trouble with Gay Marriage

I know, I know. Everyone who knows me just knows I support gay marriage because they think I have this lofty ideal that people ought to be able to pursue happiness, so long as it doesn't harm someone else. They probably also think that I foolishly believe that two people who love each other cannot possibly threaten my marriage to Ed. In fact, they probably go so far as to think that gay marriage is an absolute, non-issue to me - as in, I cannot fathom a reason that people get all anxious about this subject (explained more eloquently by Therese).

And guess what? They're right - or at least they were before November 1. Because before November 1, this issue was largely a theoretical one to me. But on November 1, that all changed because on November 1, my friends Nikki and Jana tied the knot in a lovely church ceremony in DC. I was lucky enough to attend the ceremony and much of the reception. I left during dinner to feed Helen and attempt (in vain) to put her to sleep for the night (sorry babysitter, I thought I was being helpful!) and pick-up Ed (who had spent the day with the kids opting to do something other than sit quietly for an hour, since that is something neither he nor the kids do well).

But when the serious partying started, on an unbelievably gorgeous November day, at my friends' unbelievably gorgeous new home, I finally figured out why some people disagree with me and think that gay marriage is wrong.

No beer.

Wine, hard cider, and pretty much every alcoholic and non-alcoholic drink you can imagine were served with seemingly no end. But beer? Ed and his friend Dan reported that there was no beer at the reception.

Ahhh...so that's the trouble with gay marriage. I get it now. Thanks for pointing that out! And guess what, it can be solved - easily in fact.

So now, let's get back to letting people love each other and get that stupid Prop 8 in CA overturned, and get gay marriage legalized across the country.

Why do I care? Because the more of my friends who get married, the more opportunities I have to pursue a hobby I took up when I was planning my own wedding - cake baking!



(And yes, this is the cake I baked for the occasion that was absolutely devoured by their guests. I set aside a piece for Connor - who helped bake and decorate this cake - only to find a particularly unscrupulous guest who came into town just for the wedding eating it. Thankfully, I was able to snag another and Kellee kept her mitts off it.

Elaine

An Open Letter

Dear Barack Obama,

Let me be among the millions of people reaching out to congratulate you on winning the Presidency. What you did yesterday is what I call kicking ass and taking names. If you've been reading my blog (you have, right?), you probably know that Hillary was my gal. But, no matter, that's water under the bridge now. I'm proud that all people of color in this country can look up at a President who resembles them and someday, my daughter and I will do the same with a woman in the oval office. Your win makes everything seem possible. Mostly, I'm energized by the fact that my children live in a world that didn't seem possible to a good many people even a few weeks ago. I'll admit it, I thought this thing was going to come down to the wire and it would be either voter fraud or racism. I'm so glad I was wrong. Just yesterday, and old African-American man that works in the mail room of my office was practically singing when I saw him in the morning. He had his "I voted" sticker still on and I said to him "you didn't fall for that old trick, did you? The election was yesterday." And he shouted back "Oh no, Sister, I didn't fall for that one. I voted on Tuesday, but I'm not taking this sticker off until it falls off. In fact, I'm going to wear this same shirt every day this week." All day the excitement was palpable in that mail room, and it made me just a little bit prouder to have voted for you - in a swing state. I used to say that nobody cares how I vote, they care how I spend my money. But this time, I think people cared how I voted.

You may be a black man, and I may be a white woman, but the truth is, we have a lot in common. For starters, I, like you, have two young children. And, just like you, I have big dreams for them. I dream they will live in a United States that is, to quote you "more just, more equal, more free, more caring". Like you, I think the country can do better and can get health care to everyone. I think we have no business being in Iraq. Just like you, I support our troops and I do this by hoping they come home alive. Soon. I think wealthy people ought to pay more taxes because I recognize that much innovation in this country that leads to great wealth is fueled by government investment. I remember meeting Bill Gates Sr. a few years back when he was pushing for an estate tax and he pointed out that without the government's investment in the internet and computing, his son never would have become the wealthy individual he is today. He considered taxes nothing less than an investment in the future. Even those who claim to be self-made, often had government support backing them, though I find it remarkable that most never recognize this. Like you, I think the country could be a more welcoming place. Heck, President-elect Obama, we both even have moms from Kansas.

And do you know what, President-elect Obama? It seems as if the majority of the country feels this way. And together with that majority - you know, the one that covers the rust belt, the Northeast, the West Coast, and the Mid-Atlantic and even Florida - I have so much hope. Finally, after eight years of crap from the oval office, dealt out by a man who seems to care little about human lives, particularly those from other countries (yet has an uncanny fascination with those that are in-utero), I see an opportunity to be proud of my country again. Finally, after eight years of frivolous tax cuts that the country can't afford, we have an opportunity to think about balancing the budget again, or at least not mortgaging our children's futures as much as the current administration.

But I have to tell you, President-elect Obama, I remember having this same feeling of hope and optimism sixteen years ago when Clinton was first elected. I thought everything I wanted from my government was going to happen because, other than a few choice pieces of legislation in the previous 12 years, there just hadn't been much to smile about. As it turns out, I was in for a whole lot of heartache. Not as much heartache as I would've been in for had the other guy stayed in office, but heartache all the same. But through this all, I shared with you this very important fact. I have "an unyielding faith in the decency and generosity" of people who live in the United States. And it is that faith that brought me to the polls to vote for you.

Kindest regards,
A mom of two in Virginia

NaBloPoMo

Here we go again. Thanks to Therese's second annual challenge, I'll be attempting to post daily during the month of November as part of National Blog Posting Month - NaBloPoMo. Since I don't have a newborn this year, I assure you more booze will be involved in this challenge than was involved last year. For your sake, I hope the posts will reflect that, because my recollection is that for those of us who are not daily bloggers, this challenge really stretches the limits of creativity.

Why am I doing this? Because Therese has generously offered to host an end of November blogging party for those who blog every day in November, and I do plan to be there, if only to have a chance at winning the "MOST LIKELY TO ALIENATE HER ENTIRE EXTENDED FAMILY, A FEW OF HER FRIENDS, AND EVEN HER FATHER BY TAUNTING THEM ABOUT THE ELECTION" award. And if I don't win that one, I think I have an excellent shot at the "MOST DEPRESSING POST FOLLOWING THE ELECTION" award. Seriously, my mental health is at stake here people. Please, just vote for Obama already! I have two small children to take care of and they need a mama and papa who are happy. That, and a leader that understands that diplomacy ought to be an option in international affairs - at least occasionally; a leader who wants to actually help people get health care, rather than one who wants to give you a tax credit that loses value every year due to inflation to pay for health care - so that in 10 years the credit will be meaningless (it's an old trick, don't fall for it this time!); a leader who thinks ability to pay ought to be a central concept in tax policy. Bottom line? They had 8 years and few people will say they're better off and prouder of their country than they were 8 years ago. I know I'm not.

Happy Halloween!

I wish I could take credit for carving this pumpkin - but a shout out to my friend Lisa in Minnesota is deserved here. Don't think I've been slacking though, I've been making a cake for Jana and Nikki's wedding tomorrow. I'll be posting a photo of that once the final decorating is done.





Elaine

It's all in a name

Ed and I had a tough time coming up with a boy's name when I was pregnant. Nothing seemed quite right, until we hit upon "Henry". We'd pair it with Ed's middle name, which is also his maternal grandfather's name, and conveniently enough, is awfully close to my maternal grandfather's last name. The last name would be selected based on the child's birthdate - I took odds, and Ed took evens.

I thought about this name a lot. But then, a couple of months before I was due, I was hanging around a pottery show at my old studio, when another potter and his dog walked in. Someone near me said "Henry's here" and the person next to me who did not know Henry remarked on what an excellent name that was for a dog. And right then, I decided I could not name my child "Henry", because that was a dog's name, not a person's name. A 7 month pregnant woman has a LOT of hormones pulsating through her veins, and at least in my case, they sometimes interfere with rational decision making. I came home and told Ed we absolutely could not name our child Henry and he just sort of nodded because I guess someone who is living with a woman who is seven months pregnant realizes that some battles are not worth fighting for. To this day, it sort of kills me because Connor would be a great Henry - though he is very resistant to the idea of changing his name. Go figure.

My sister's dog's name is Sarah. My sister's dog has been on the edge of death for more than a year - but so far just keeps on going. Just like Henry is a perfectly nice name for a person, I suppose Sarah is too. But when I hear the name Sarah, I think dog, not person. And so it came to be that my parents were sitting in my basement waiting for Sarah Palin to speak at the RNC. I could not stomach the speakers that came before her, so I kept flipping the television to another channel. Every so often, my mom would say "check on Sarah" and of course, I would do nothing, because every time she said that, I honestly thought she was asking me to call my sister and see if her dog had died. I couldn't figure out why my mom was so concerned about Sarah, but it didn't seem that odd to me I suppose.

Eventually, I figured out she was asking me to switch the channel, and eventually Sarah Palin spoke. As she was speaking, my only thought was that she was a joke. She could not possibly be the VP candidate. And the more I learn about her the more I know, I would much rather have my sister's dog in that office than this woman. At least Sarah the dog doesn't lie about going to Iraq, treat a layover in Ireland as a visit, and lie about accepting and wanting earmarks - all important since the first two were used to try and manufacture an international resume and the last because it shows that she has no problem lying - even when the public record shows the contrary.

In fact, probably the only two things these two Sarahs have in common is that neither seems to know nor care what the Bush doctrine is and both tend to act first and think later. Excusable in one of them, but not the other.

But just so you know, Connor and Helen, I am really trying to see the bright side of this. And the only silver lining I can find? I guess anyone can hold an executive office. By current standards, the two of you are already overqualified.

Thank you, Hillary

I rarely drive to work these days, but a couple of weeks ago I did. And as I headed over the bridge into DC, I listened to a story on NPR featuring the Democratic convention. They interviewed two women from around here who were attending the convention as delegates of Hillary Clinton. And do you know what I did when I heard them interviewed? I cried. I didn't expect this reaction from myself. After all, I never really believed she had a chance to win the general election, and I certainly didn't think she was the perfect candidate. But as it turns out, I did have an awful lot of hope for the former. There aren't a lot of policy differences between Obama and Hillary, so I guess it came down to this: I want a woman president, and I want it badly. I want it to happen before my children are old enough to remember a time when the only job outside of professional athletics not available to women was President of the United States. I don't think anyone could look into Helen's eyes and want anything different.
At the start of campaign season, I thought no way could Clinton get elected. She got beat up in Iowa - and almost everyone counted her out, but then she won New Hampshire, and expectations changed. And that primary in New Hampshire did it to me. All of a sudden this small piece of me believed she was going win the nomination, and with the Republican nominee offering little resistance, she would cruise into the White House. It was probably the same small piece of me that believed by now the green party would be a legitimate third party. It's the part of me that is crushed regularly. It's the part of me that I try very hard not to listen to - because I know by now it ONLY LEADS TO DISAPPOINTMENT - but it is a part of me that is impossibly persistent.

Thank you, Hillary, for every crack you put in that glass ceiling. Even though it's not going to work out this time around, there is still this small part of me that believes I will live to see a woman president. And if it takes until Helen is old enough to have a cocktail with me? I'll buy the first round that night because I am going to PARTY!

Elaine

PS: For the record, it is not enough for a candidate to be a woman, they also have to believe in the America that I believe in. So Senator McCain, please don't count on my vote in November simply because you chose Sarah Palin as your running mate. I am not that pathetic, and I don't suspect many of my fellow Hillary supporters are either.

Six Minutes

Connor and Helen - if you ever find yourself with 6 minutes in front of a huge audience, I hope you use it like Dennis did at the Democratic convention in 2008.

Wake up? You better believe it.

Elaine

What George Bush Won't Be Receiving From Me

Just in case there is still anyone left wondering, both flights went well. And, Connor managed to not need to use the bathroom in the special zone surrounding National Airport, which meant I did not need to send George Connor's soiled underwear.

My plan to have everyone sleep on the flight home did not work, but Connor (knock on wood) has finally learned that it is possible to sleep in the morning if he goes to bed late - a skill that formerly eluded him.

And, as long as I'm jinxing sleep in my house, I might as well mention that BOTH of my children slept past 8 AM this morning. I'm hoping they have finally learned the joy of sleeping in on the weekend.

A teaser photo from the trip - just in case anyone wondered whether Helen loved her grandpa.

Elaine