Institutions

As Trump's presidency unfolds, I find myself walking very lightly most days.

Some concerns I have are about today - will these children ever be reunited with their families? Will the investigation be completed before another election? How compromised is our government and how much more so will it be in the near future? And note, a friend I was running with who has held high level defense positions said to make no bones about it, our president is compromised. I believe her.

Most of my fears are longer term. Will my children grow up in a more racist, more sexist world than I came of age in? Will my democracy be stronger than whatever is trying to undermine it? Will the US get backed into a corner and come out swinging dangerously? And more.

It occurred to me the other day that Ed does not have anxiety about our world. He is not worried that alienating our allies will be impossible to fix. He does not fear a world where the budget is so messed up we will not be able to provide assistance to anyone. By all accounts - he seems fine.

And so I asked him - how can you be fine when I'm struggling to breathe on occasion - and though it doesn't happen often, I still hold back tears when I think about the state of our country too long? How is this even possible? Because I know Ed is a compassionate, brilliant person.

His answer was simple. He believes our institutions are strong enough to keep everything together, in the end. I had to process that for a minute. His faith in our system of government is so strong, he can simultaneously say what is happening is truly horrible, but also know in his head it will be fine.

That was mind boggling to me. Until it occurred to me that he, I'm guessing, has never been let down by the institutions around him. He's never been in a meeting where someone talked over him and took credit for his idea. He's never had the President of another company talk shop with everyone in the room until he walked up and chose to talk about children with him instead. He is always seen in exactly the role he's participating in - and I know not one single woman or person of color that can say the same thing.

We have all been knocked around unfairly - and each time it has happened, I suspect I've lost a little bit of my faith in these institutions. I have spent so much time curating a world for my daughter where she knows, without doubt, she is deserving of every space she inhabits - that the notion that the bigger world hasn't come along is maddening.

I have two voices inside me. One that tells me my daughter is in for a world of hurt, and one that tells me this nightmare will end.

Elaine